Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
