you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize