it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
