We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize