are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize