turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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