the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
