My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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