My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
