Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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