Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
