What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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