so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
