Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
