I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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