I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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