There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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