2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
