Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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