dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
