tonight lets celebrate not being married
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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