so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Found your dick twin last night
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
