Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
