Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
