if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
