I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize