dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
is wine microwaveable?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
