why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
