im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He felt like a one man threesome
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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