Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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