rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
