i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
