haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
