i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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