I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
