five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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