Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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