Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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