so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
