K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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