I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
