The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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