You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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