some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
