plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
