just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
