So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
