So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
