party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
