HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
