i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
