My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
