I am in a vortex of obligation.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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