when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
