You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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