Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
