omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
